Dive right into my thick head

I’m going to be 23 in 7 days time, counted from the moment I’m writing this. 23 years old. Times where everything should be on track. Times where I should be stable enough to start my own life. To be the skipper. To navigate around life’s twist and turn. Everything should be crystal clear now. The track should already been laid, just waiting for me. No more uncertainties. No more missing puzzles. The times where my full grown adult life begins. Times where I’m fully responsible for myself. I should have finished my studies by now. I should have already had a future in whatever field I’ve attached myself to. I should have been more matured. I should have been thinking more about my future and less about my past. Life should be wonderful just about now.

But I digress, terribly. I’m strayed, too far. I am practically nothing. What went wrong?

It hurts terribly when someone you love sits in front of you, and narrates your life. Ponders on your life. And it hurts even more when you have something going on inside your mind, the debacle that goes back and forth. The truth. The very truth that only you knows. And you can’t blurt it out, because it will only hurt everyone you care around you. The very truth that makes you’re doing whatever you’re doing right now. The explanation behind your action. The cause behind your behavior. The truth that sucks. And only because you make it sucks. The only cause is your stupidity. Your lack of good judgment. Your lack of good execution. Your lack of brilliant master plan. The momentum of bad decisions that kept on rolling. The fact that it’s there, and nothing you can do about it makes it more agonizing. Your head feels like exploding, shattered into many pieces. Your brain keeps screaming to be free of this burden. The secrets should be out. Not bottled inside. Your brain and your emotion keep fucking with you. The tug-of-war between them becomes unbearable. Right there and then, you want to lay it all out. Make them understand you. Make them know your current situation. Know your own pile of shit. Share it with them. But you can’t. You kept it inside and even further behind. The tumor kept growing. There’s no way it can be out. You kept thinking, if only they knew what’s going, perhaps they can understand and help improving your life. Something can and should be done. But you just can’t let it out. You can’t put it into words. Your mouth’s tightly shut. There’s no more connection between it and your brain. You’re emotionally incapable right now. You don’t have the guts. The tumor kept growing. You’re in pain. The cigarettes don’t work anymore. You want to break free. You can’t take it any longer. You’re a time bomb now. And the ticking continues…

Now you’re thinking, what the hell is wrong with you?

What went wrong? Why are you in a deep shit?

What are you?

Tick..tick…tick…